I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
