i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
