just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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