Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
