Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
