I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
