Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
