It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
