They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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