He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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