oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
