you didnt know i had herpes?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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