So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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