I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
