I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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