im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we made out on top of his cat.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
