I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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