you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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