if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
