I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
