My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
