It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
