I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
