mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
is wine microwaveable?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
