I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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