The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
