i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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