Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
