my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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