And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
