My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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