We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
