It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
