I'm so fucking centered right now
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
