Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
