That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
