eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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