Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
