there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
