You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
