Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This house was built for laser tag.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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