Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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