just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We left an ass print on the piano.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
