i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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