we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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