Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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