I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
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tequila makes me forget i have legs
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
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Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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