Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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