All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
