She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
