well you can't waste a boner
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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