Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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