Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
