Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
