$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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