She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I need moral support for this bender
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
